I was telling someone yesterday how funny and interesting it is to think about how different my days are now. Normally, I take time during the summer to read professional literature ("teacher books") about new writing techniques, number talks, or reading engagement. Now, I'm reading (and re-reading) books like Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child or The Connected Child (where is that chapter on SLEEP? I KNOW I've read it!) and any article about bonding and attachment by Karen Purvis that I can get my hands on. BUT.... even though I'm not learning new things to aid me professionally, there's still a LOT of STUDYING and LEARNING going on over here.
I am studying my new baby girl.
We've been home a month now and I've begun a new work.... getting to know this little one that has only been in my world since June 24.
It's important to study your children. And usually, this process is gradual and you learn a little bit every day..... and that's true for my study of Mary, too..... but I feel like I'm taking the CRASH course on Mary Jewel Powell. Cause for the first 20 months of her life, she did stuff that I don't know about. She saw things and met people and played and experienced things.... and I don't know about ANY of it. I have a few paragraphs on a piece of paper that tell me a bit about her medical history, facts about her finding.... and maybe two or three lines that describe her personality..... and that's it. The rest, I'm trying to piece together.
As we begin to venture out into the world and encounter folks here and there, I'm asked lots of questions about her likes or past.... you know.... her DETAILS. And most of the time, my answer is, "Huh. I don't know."
As we begin to venture out into the world and encounter folks here and there, I'm asked lots of questions about her likes or past.... you know.... her DETAILS. And most of the time, my answer is, "Huh. I don't know."
Was she saying any words before we met her? I don't know.
Did she play with lots of toys? I don't know.
Did she have a nanny that was her favorite? I don't know.
Did she have friends? I don't know.
Has she ever played on a playground? I don't know.
Has she ever seen a dog before? I don't know.
Were her immunizations correctly given? I don't know.
How did she like to go to sleep? I don't know.
Does she like blankets? I don't know.
How does she behave when she has fever? I don't know.
And on and on and on and on..... I have HUNDREDS of questions like these in my brain.... and I simply Do. Not. Know.
Seems weird to say that about your own child... I DON'T KNOW.... add that to the list of how parenting THIS child is different than parenting my other two children.
All of this, I know about the boys. I know EVERYTHING. I know that Jack doesn't do ANY sort of condiment. I know that Max can never have too many blankets on his bed. I know that Jack is HIGHLY allergic to bug bites and codeine. I know that Max is very particular about his school work. I know that Jack is an early riser. I know that Max's cheeks turn bright red when he's sick. I know about every illness, every trip, every friend, every book they've read, every like, every dislike, things that bother them, fears and talents..... I know them.
But with Mary.... notsomuch.
So, I study her.
How do I do this and what am I learning? I am SO glad you asked!
Let me explain........ and, just for fun, I'll add PICTURES as I go! So, get out your newly sharpened pencils and your brand new spiral notebook and let's go to Mary School!!
#1: PLAY
We play A LOT. If you need me at any given moment in the day, I am sitting in the floor somewhere in my house with a short little black-haired girl and we are PLAYING. In the living room, we play with puzzles and dolls and books. In the kitchen we play with our tea set and sweep noodles off the floor. In the foyer we sit on the BOTTOM STEP ONLY (and she TOTALLY understands that) and look out the front door and talk about the trees and birds. In the bathroom, we play with our bath toys and pull out/ put back in kleenexes from the RED kleenex box (that's the one she knows is hers....) And while we play, I watch her. This kid knows how to work a toy. So, I'm learning that somewhere in her short little life, there MUST have been toys. She knows just what to do when you hand her a baby doll (of course she ALSO rolls up a dish towel and rocks it, too), she rolls that Fisher Price bus around the living room with her Disney Princesses in it, and she can master a puzzle in no time. She understands what to do with a ball, can turn the pages of a book correctly, and don't even get me STARTED about how brilliant she is with stacking cups. She's a player. I've learned that.
#2: International Adoption Clinic
Another way we are studying our girl is getting her checked out by the medical professionals. Dr. Laubenthal has already taken good care of her ear infections and will continue her care in the future, but, this week, we took her to the International Adoption Clinic at Children's Hospital. It is FABULOUS to have such an awesome resource just minutes down the road. These folks are experts on what to expect and look for in internationally adopted children. Again, this is WAY different than your usual parenting experience (since 20 months of Mary's 21 month life were spent in an institution), and they are a WEALTH of information for us. At this appointment, we spoke AT LENGTH with a "family specialist" who focused on things like sleep issues (we are now keeping a sleep log to track those night terror moments), eating issues, bonding, attachment, personality, and history. She was so knowledgeable and it seemed that she knew what my questions were before I even asked them. She gave us some recommendations for sleep and let us know areas where we were "doing it right" or where we could tweak things a little. For example: Mary eats. A LOT. I sometimes worry that she's going to explode, but I was reassured that this is totally normal and, for now, to allow her to eat until satisfied. It was a relief to know that so much of our research and homework prior to the adoption had helped us to know how to handle various issues and that, HOORAY, we are handling most of it very appropriately.
Also included in our visit was a great conversation with Dr. Kiser, one of the doctors there. The main thing that we talked with her about was language development. Mary seems to have LOTS of fluid on her ears that won't quite go away. It isn't infected, but it's there, and this may be causing some of the language delay that we had been noticing. This is one of the areas that I'm really focused on right now: Is Mary not talking or at least mimicking words because she's still adapting to her new environment? Is the fluid on her ears causing the delay? Or is she just a quiet kid (I've kinda ruled this one out, but.....) Again. I DON'T KNOW. So, we'll continue to study that one.....
At this visit, I became KEENLY aware of the mystery that Mary's first 20 months are to me. The doctor inferred from her file that she'd been hospitalized TWICE, not ONCE as I had thought.... it made me sad to think that she'd endured TWO hospital stays (one for open heart surgery) and I wasn't there. The doctor also confirmed my suspicions that the reason Mary has seemed so happy with us from day ONE is because she may have never formed an attachment with anyone.... ever. She's probably never had that ONE favorite nanny that stopped by her bed every morning. She's never had that one special lady that came to the orphanage on Tuesdays and brought her suckers. She's never had that ONE person that she considered HERS. So, basically, she'd be happy with ANYONE. Cause that's how she is: HAPPY. But it makes me sad, too.... sad that she's never had a one special someone reserved JUST for HER. Well, that's all changed now, sweet girl..... I VOLUNTEER! I'll be your someone!!! And I'm so thankful..... (And we'll cocoon until the cows come home so you'll KNOW who your people are..... and I promise not to complain when I go stir crazy in this house.... well, maybe not PROMISE, but I'll try really hard....)
Anyhoo.....
Other highlights of our IAC visit included NINE vials of blood drawn (oh, that was a fun one), gathering a sample from her DIAPER (again, fun times), and a good listen to her heart.
Our final results from the IAC are:
1) testing that diaper sample (and two more gathered at home....fun....) for parasites
2) using that bloodwork to test for HIV and Hep B
3) testing bloodwork to make sure that her immunization records are correct and to see what immunizations are still needed (see? with the boys, I KNOW what shots they've had.... with Mary... I know what was written down, but wasn't there to be SURE it was done....)
4) referral to a cardiologist at Children's Hospital to check out her heart defect (hoping that the repair done in China was done well and that this will be a one time visit!!!)
5) track sleep through sleep log
6) make appointment with local ENT after Labor Day to watch the fluid on those ears
Everything I wanted to accomplish at the IAC, we accomplished. Loooong morning, but SO worth it!
A few snippets of our visit:
Uh. No pictures from the blood draw. But four adults and one little Asian girl were all SWEATING and CRYING when it was over.
#3: WATCH, CUDDLE, TALK, AND LOVE
I just watch her. All the time, I sit in the floor and watch her. Or I cook dinner and watch her. Or I sit in the chair by the bed and watch her. She is something else. And she's such a mystery to me. I look at her and say, "What did you DO for those 20 months before I knew you? Did you play? Were you happy? Did you go anywhere?" She just looks at me and smiles...... and she'll never be able to answer that question...... and neither will I.
So, we're making up for lost time. She's in the stage where she wants me to sit beside her ALL the time, and I'm happy to oblige. When she's REALLY into something, she wants to sit in my lap so I can help her work through it. Fine by me.
When she sits on that bottom step, she points and grunts (loudly) to the spot beside her... SIT DOWN, MOM! Okay. Fine by me.
She LOVES to be squeezed really tight and is getting to be more comfortable with cuddles and hugs. Fine by me.
She babbles and talks to us in grunts.... and is "jargoning" constantly.... will not hush up.... just doesn't say real words (but knows exactly what she means.....) She is never quiet.... Fine by me. I can't WAIT to have real conversations with her!
What else?
OH! Mary went to CHURCH for the first time last Sunday. Joe and I both stayed with her in her class and she did REALLY well playing with the other kids. We'll plan on one of us being with her for quite a while as she adapts to yet another new environment..... But what a joy to introduce her to our church family! Oh, how they've prayed for you, sweet girl!
And so.... here we are..... the first of August..... school supplies are out.... boys are grasping at their last few hours of freedom....we're talking about high school schedule pickup and middle school lockers..... and we continue to study our girl. Totally a new normal for me, but I can't think of another thing I'd rather be doing.
Max got new shoes for school. And Mary? Well, she got a new box for her stuff. She puts her stuff in.... takes her stuff out..... found the box in the hallway all by herself and proceeded to claim it as her own.
So, we helped her claim it. Girl's gotta mark her territory, you know. That way, everyone knows that those Disney princesses, the tea set, and that green striped dish towel are MARY'S treasures... and no one else's. (This box has kept us BUSY for MINUTES.....(and that's saying something in the world of this VERY BUSY TODDLER.)
"Awwww...... looooove on the dish towel..... how sweet....." Yes. I said those words. And look what she does now..... Hey. It's all about teaching gentleness, people. I'm tired of getting hit upside the head with those darn toys. Be GENTLE.... looooove on the dish towel...... don't hit Mama with it..... See? We ARE learning!
She is BRILLIANT. This puzzle thingie ain't got NOTHING on her. And would you LOOK at the concentration on that face and how she uses BOTH hands to steady the piece so she can get it on the thingie?? Focus. Determination. Hand/Eye coordination. My girl's got it. Learned that about her from this puzzle thingie.
She's going to be an early reader. Do you see her studying this card? She reads ALL the cards y'all send, by the way. See them all piled up next to her? When we get some from the mail or with a gift, she DEMANDS (lots of pointing, lots of grunting at the chair....that's how she says, "I'd like to sit up there and read my mail, please.") to sit at the table in her booster seat and read the cards. Loves it.
And this tea set.... OH... this tea set. It came in a big basket of bath goodies that the 6th and 7th grade girls gave her last Sunday. She has loved EVERYTHING about that basket, but this tea set was one of the first things she discovered. Once that thing came out of the box, she knew just what to do..... started pouring up tea and giving it out to people. And you MUST take a drink or she'll point and grunt you to death. DRINK THE TEA.
And now, days after our first tea party, we've had HUNDREDS. She prefers that I pour the tea now..... and, we noticed yesterday, she has begun to CHOKE on the INVISIBLE tea. She'll take a sip (again, of the INVISIBLE tea) and then cough and sputter like she's choked. It is HILARIOUS. She did this for the first time in the car on the way to Max's football practice and I swear, I almost had a wreck.
Here's a video of the tea drinking..... (no choking here....) but watch her MOUTH. I love her.
#2: International Adoption Clinic
Another way we are studying our girl is getting her checked out by the medical professionals. Dr. Laubenthal has already taken good care of her ear infections and will continue her care in the future, but, this week, we took her to the International Adoption Clinic at Children's Hospital. It is FABULOUS to have such an awesome resource just minutes down the road. These folks are experts on what to expect and look for in internationally adopted children. Again, this is WAY different than your usual parenting experience (since 20 months of Mary's 21 month life were spent in an institution), and they are a WEALTH of information for us. At this appointment, we spoke AT LENGTH with a "family specialist" who focused on things like sleep issues (we are now keeping a sleep log to track those night terror moments), eating issues, bonding, attachment, personality, and history. She was so knowledgeable and it seemed that she knew what my questions were before I even asked them. She gave us some recommendations for sleep and let us know areas where we were "doing it right" or where we could tweak things a little. For example: Mary eats. A LOT. I sometimes worry that she's going to explode, but I was reassured that this is totally normal and, for now, to allow her to eat until satisfied. It was a relief to know that so much of our research and homework prior to the adoption had helped us to know how to handle various issues and that, HOORAY, we are handling most of it very appropriately.
Also included in our visit was a great conversation with Dr. Kiser, one of the doctors there. The main thing that we talked with her about was language development. Mary seems to have LOTS of fluid on her ears that won't quite go away. It isn't infected, but it's there, and this may be causing some of the language delay that we had been noticing. This is one of the areas that I'm really focused on right now: Is Mary not talking or at least mimicking words because she's still adapting to her new environment? Is the fluid on her ears causing the delay? Or is she just a quiet kid (I've kinda ruled this one out, but.....) Again. I DON'T KNOW. So, we'll continue to study that one.....
At this visit, I became KEENLY aware of the mystery that Mary's first 20 months are to me. The doctor inferred from her file that she'd been hospitalized TWICE, not ONCE as I had thought.... it made me sad to think that she'd endured TWO hospital stays (one for open heart surgery) and I wasn't there. The doctor also confirmed my suspicions that the reason Mary has seemed so happy with us from day ONE is because she may have never formed an attachment with anyone.... ever. She's probably never had that ONE favorite nanny that stopped by her bed every morning. She's never had that one special lady that came to the orphanage on Tuesdays and brought her suckers. She's never had that ONE person that she considered HERS. So, basically, she'd be happy with ANYONE. Cause that's how she is: HAPPY. But it makes me sad, too.... sad that she's never had a one special someone reserved JUST for HER. Well, that's all changed now, sweet girl..... I VOLUNTEER! I'll be your someone!!! And I'm so thankful..... (And we'll cocoon until the cows come home so you'll KNOW who your people are..... and I promise not to complain when I go stir crazy in this house.... well, maybe not PROMISE, but I'll try really hard....)
Anyhoo.....
Other highlights of our IAC visit included NINE vials of blood drawn (oh, that was a fun one), gathering a sample from her DIAPER (again, fun times), and a good listen to her heart.
Our final results from the IAC are:
1) testing that diaper sample (and two more gathered at home....fun....) for parasites
2) using that bloodwork to test for HIV and Hep B
3) testing bloodwork to make sure that her immunization records are correct and to see what immunizations are still needed (see? with the boys, I KNOW what shots they've had.... with Mary... I know what was written down, but wasn't there to be SURE it was done....)
4) referral to a cardiologist at Children's Hospital to check out her heart defect (hoping that the repair done in China was done well and that this will be a one time visit!!!)
5) track sleep through sleep log
6) make appointment with local ENT after Labor Day to watch the fluid on those ears
Everything I wanted to accomplish at the IAC, we accomplished. Loooong morning, but SO worth it!
A few snippets of our visit:
Uh. What's this bracelet thing for? I know who I am.....
Been reading about these people! Felt like I was meeting rock stars! So thankful for this resource!
We're here!
Dad: Now Mary, you've got to be a sweet girl in here.
Mary: Well, Dad, what exactly do you mean by that?
Playing a little, eating a little.... this place is GREAT!
I just love that pointy finger. She has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a kid. Future violinist, Jack says.
What? They want to draw BLOOD from me? You have GOT to be kidding.....
Uh. No pictures from the blood draw. But four adults and one little Asian girl were all SWEATING and CRYING when it was over.
#3: WATCH, CUDDLE, TALK, AND LOVE
I just watch her. All the time, I sit in the floor and watch her. Or I cook dinner and watch her. Or I sit in the chair by the bed and watch her. She is something else. And she's such a mystery to me. I look at her and say, "What did you DO for those 20 months before I knew you? Did you play? Were you happy? Did you go anywhere?" She just looks at me and smiles...... and she'll never be able to answer that question...... and neither will I.
So, we're making up for lost time. She's in the stage where she wants me to sit beside her ALL the time, and I'm happy to oblige. When she's REALLY into something, she wants to sit in my lap so I can help her work through it. Fine by me.
When she sits on that bottom step, she points and grunts (loudly) to the spot beside her... SIT DOWN, MOM! Okay. Fine by me.
She LOVES to be squeezed really tight and is getting to be more comfortable with cuddles and hugs. Fine by me.
She babbles and talks to us in grunts.... and is "jargoning" constantly.... will not hush up.... just doesn't say real words (but knows exactly what she means.....) She is never quiet.... Fine by me. I can't WAIT to have real conversations with her!
What else?
OH! Mary went to CHURCH for the first time last Sunday. Joe and I both stayed with her in her class and she did REALLY well playing with the other kids. We'll plan on one of us being with her for quite a while as she adapts to yet another new environment..... But what a joy to introduce her to our church family! Oh, how they've prayed for you, sweet girl!
See me in my new pretty dress?
And the official "church clothes" shot..... love these three people. MUCH.
And so.... here we are..... the first of August..... school supplies are out.... boys are grasping at their last few hours of freedom....we're talking about high school schedule pickup and middle school lockers..... and we continue to study our girl. Totally a new normal for me, but I can't think of another thing I'd rather be doing.
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