Lessons from a small town.

On Thursday, we spent the afternoon in Goodsprings, Alabama, celebrating the life of Joe's grandfather, James Hartley.  James (Jamie-Bo to us) was a huge influence in Joe's life.  James and Moma Jewel loved Joe Powell more than life itself and provided him with a constant source of family, love, and security as he grew up.

Joe has had the opportunity to visit with James several times a week for the last couple of months as his health began to deteriorate.  He would always come home with stories about the folks at Goodsprings, James' family, and the pace of life in that little spot on the map.  I wondered why he was so intrigued by all of this..... but after spending time there, I get it.  And now, I can't stop thinking about it.....

Goodsprings consists of a couple of roads (not exactly dirt, not exactly paved), a post office (open two hours a day), a couple of churches and graveyards, and a few houses.  Most of the people are related and everyone knows everyone else.  These people do not Facebook...... they sit on their front porches and visit.  They do not blog.... they have conversations, face to face. These people do not Google or Tweet or Instagram.  They do not have much....they live simply..... and I'm certain that their lives are richer than mine.  I am captivated by this little speck of a place.  I am completely intrigued by its PEOPLE, its PRIORITIES, and its PACE.

I watched a small "town" of people love on each other, support a grieving family, and come together in a way that many don't any more..... not because they don't WANT to, but because life is so "full" and we have so much going on....  Times are moving faster and folks are busy...... we reach out to each other through email and Facebook and texts..... but these people were different.  The care and concern they showed for each other was LIVE.... and so sweet to witness.  No one was too busy that day to care for the Hartley family in the loss of their brother.  No one was too busy to cook a meal for them to eat together after the funeral.  As the pace of my life has slowed a bit this year, I'm sorta re-thinking some of my priorities, and it was so nice to learn a few lessons from the folks of Goodsprings.... lessons about slowing down and tending to what's REALLY important.

There are many characters I discovered in my few hours in Goodsprings.... the preacher, the women of the food committee, the family patriarchs, the cousins, the neighbors, the old friends..... and they all have a story that brings tears to my eyes.  Maybe it's because these people remind me of folks I grew up around or maybe it is a reminder of what my fast-paced life keeps me from enjoying.  All I know is that my time there was too short..... I could have sat in that tiny little wood-paneled house at that old kitchen table for HOURS and just watched them all talk and eat and love.  But most of all, I think, I could watch the Hartley brothers.

Their father died when James was four years old, so these boys (and their two sisters) were raised by their grandfather.  I don't know how they grew up, what experiences they had, or what life was like.... but, I know that they are kind, compassionate, soft-spoken men who live simply and slowly and take care of their people.

Glenn and Damon, James' brothers, have been by his side twenty four/seven for the last two months.  They have cared for him, spent time with him, loved on him, laughed with him, comforted him, encouraged him, and taken care of him.  Through his visits with James, Joe had the pleasure of spending time with them, too, and getting to know them a little more.  This trio of brothers lived "small" lives according to the world's standards, but there is much we can learn from each of them.

Glenn Hartley is quiet and kind.  He keeps a comb in his shirt pocket and is one of the most compassionate care-takers ever.  Glenn's wife was sick for YEARS before she died, and he devoted his entire life to caring for her.  These last two months, Glenn has used those same precious care-taking skills to care for his brother.  When Mary met Glenn at the funeral, she immediately reached for him and let him hold her for a LONG time.  She has NEVER done this with ANYONE!  I honestly think she sensed the kindness and gentleness in him.  She shyly slipped his comb out of his pocket and immediately started combing her hair AND his with it..... and, so sweetly, Glenn just let her do it.  She even let Glenn do her hair, too!  He had never laid eyes on this little person... barely knew who she was.... and yet they bonded instantly.

After James died last Sunday, Glenn spent the next few days going through his stuff... and of utmost importance, was gathering all the pictures and memories that he knew Joe would enjoy and collecting it for us to take home.  It was very important to Glenn that Joe have these things:  he knew, and talked often, about how much Joe meant to James.  I've known Glenn all of two hours, if that.... and from him, I learned to think of others first.  Meet the needs of others before you meet your own needs.  Make sure that those around you are taken care of and, most importantly, make sure they know BY YOUR ACTIONS how much you love them.

Damon is quite the character.  Think Uncle Si on Duck Dynasty..... seriously..... minus the pony tail, he looks JUST LIKE HIM.  And apparently, Damon is like the Godfather of Walker County.  He's the local notary, gives the nod to any public officials that are elected, counsels local folks on their life and business, and makes the decisions for the entire clan.  If a decision needs to be made, everyone turns to Damon.... and then agrees with whatever he says.  Plus, on top of all of that, he is PRECIOUS...... quiet, kind, compassionate.  More than once in the last few weeks, he's pulled Joe into a back room to clarify legal matters concerning James and his care. Although he is looked up to and respected by everyone who knows him, he isn't above asking questions and confessing that there are things he doesn't know.  In my short time knowing Damon (and even less time actually TALKING to him... poor old fool is practically deaf.... which is a whole OTHER hilarious story all by itself), I learned that no matter how many people think highly of you or what notoriety you achieve in life, DO NOT think too highly of yourself..... and don't be so big for your britches that you can't be the fella in the middle when three folks are riding in the truck (again.... another story and MY FAVORITE by far!)

And then there's James.  James Edward Hartley.  This man ADORED my husband.  They were not related by blood, but James would say, without hesitation, that Joe Powell was the best thing about his life..... his absolute pride and joy.  And when Joe started having boys of his own..... well..... that was just IT.  James LOVED visiting with Jack and Max and, according to his Goodsprings kin, talked about those THREE boys... Joe, Jack, and Max.... ALL THE TIME.  He remembered every birthday with a call and a money order in the mail and loved to visit to hear what was happening in their lives these days.

(Our FAVORITE picture of James and the boys....)

As he was growing up, Joe spent a LOT of time with James and Moma Jewel..... they had an unbelievable impact on his life.  He wanted for nothing, knew there was always a place for him in their home, and tagged along with them on road trips, restaurant endeavors and, of course, visits to Goodsprings.  Although there are many lessons that James could teach about hard work and great cuts of beef and how to make great soup, fried anything, cornbread, or tomato gravy....... his greatest lessons were taught through his adoration of Joe.  Lesson:  Love your family with complete abandon.  Make sure that you tell them ALL THE TIME how much you love them and how proud you are of them.  Talk to other people about how much you love them. Be there for them when they feel alone or sad or discouraged.  Be the loudest cheerleader they have.  Support them in EVERYTHING they do.... even the dumb stuff.... and be there to encourage them when the dumb stuff turns out to be.... well.... dumb.  Praise them.  Keep pictures of them ALL OVER THE PLACE and show those pictures to anyone and everyone who will listen.  Call them just to see how things are going, and ALWAYS.... ALWAYS.... offer them a cup of coffee.

Jamie-Bo, the Powell 5 think you are just great.  Thanks for helping to shape the person that our Dad is and for being someone that we KNOW is in our corner, no matter what.  Thanks for being such an awesome example of unconditional love, personal sacrifice, and family.  Our memories of you are BATHED in love and appreciation and gratefulness.  We love you.

Mary's ticker.

Today, we had our much-anticipated visit with the cardiologist, Dr. Romp, at UAB to check our Mary's heart.  When we received her referral, we were given a brief rundown of her medical history, including her heart surgery at three months old.  This was Mary's medical special need:  CHD (Congenital Heart Defect)....specifically VSD (opening in the heart).  We knew that there could possibly be future surgeries and a lifelong impact from her heart defect, so we were anxious to hear what the cardiologist had to say.  We got a MARVELOUS report!!!

I didn't want to be late and we didn't exactly know where we were going, so we took off for Birmingham two hours before the appointment time of 11:00.  It doesn't take two hours to get where we were going and we busted up in that place at 10:10.  But it was fine..... Mary had a full bag of Cheerios, her Brown Bear Brown Bear book, and a whole mess of stickers.  She toddled around that place, made nice with the other waiting patients, looked at herself in the mirror of the kid area, and peered into every trash can they had looking for some treasures. (We gotta break her of this trash can business..... it's gross.)

Right at 11, they called us back.  Weight check (23.7 pounds!), chest Xray, EKG, and Echocardiogram were all done in a matter of about 10 minutes.  These people are organized and FAST.  The ONLY time Mary cried is when we had to take her dress off.  Girlfriend looked around, saw NO bathtub, and decided this was completely inappropriate and unnecessary..... but she got over it quickly.  Dad was her "medical table"..... he would lay down on the table or sit down in the chair and she would sit on HIM.  That made it a lot less scary!

When the nurse asked me if we had any records of her medical past, I pulled out my pink binder that has EVERYTHING we know medically about our girl.... all in about 5 plastic sleeves.  FIVE.  Like FIVE pieces of paper.  We don't know much about the medical history of our girl.  For the first time, when filling out the initial paperwork for Dr. Romp's office, it asked for Medical History.... I put UNKNOWN.  It also asked for Family History.... again.... UNKNOWN.  Made me a little sad..... but I'm happy that we're now getting more pieces to her little puzzle.  And boy, did Dr. Romp deliver!

As soon as that nurse walked out to make copies of our five little pieces of paper, I figured we'd be sitting in that room a while.  NOPE.  In walked Dr. Romp.  He is the NICEST man.  He handed Mary his stethoscope and she started listening to everyone's heart.  When he turned off the lights and started to do her ultrasound (test number FOUR for the day), Mary got a little squirmy..... but when the nurse pulled out the BUBBLES, all was well again.

Dr. Romp looked over Mary's heart with great care.  He read the information we had, looked at the X-ray (where a TINY shiny spot tells a very BIG story of her past) and began to tell us what he believes to be the story of Mary's heart.

Mary was indeed born with a VSD.... and a rather large one apparently, since smaller VSDs are usually left to heal on their own.  Surgical intervention is usually only used on the larger defects.  Since Mary's surgery was done so early (3 months), he believes that she must have been in some distress, most likely breathing distress, according to her file.  Dr. Romp also explained that the location of Mary's VSD would have made it very hard for a surgeon to a) locate it and b) reach it during surgery to repair.  SO...... Mary did NOT have the traditional open heart surgery.  Instead, Dr. Romp strongly believes that she was the recipient of a hybrid procedure that involves a much smaller opening in the chest.... to just expose the heart and the VSD.  Then, through a catheter, a metal patch was put on the opening in the wall of the heart.

Dr. Romp was quite intrigued by the use of this cutting-edge technology procedure.  Apparently, there have only been about a dozen done at UAB compared to hundreds of thousands of open heart surgeries.  His guess as to why they chose this procedure was one of two things:  either the doctors in Shanghai were showing off their advanced medical techniques or, more likely, the location of the VSD gave them no other choice and was her only option.


Whatever the reason, we are THANKFUL for the wonderful care that she received before the Lord placed her in our arms.  Dr. Romp declared Mary's ticker PERFECTLY HEALTHY.  She will NOT require additional surgery as she grows since her heart tissue will simply grow around the metal plate.  He said her heart was functioning beautifully and she was to be treated as a healthy child with NO heart problems whatsoever.  She can ride roller coasters, take anesthesia, go through metal detectors, run, play, take medicine, and BE A KID without any restrictions at all!

Oh, mercy..... we are praising the Lord over here!!!

Dr. Romp did recommend that Mary always have a cardiologist as part of her medical team.  We will go every two years for check ups since her history DOES include CHD, but he anticipates no problems in her future that are heart related (other than explaining to anyone who MIGHT do an X-ray on her in her life that the shiny thing is actually a metal plate inserted into her heart in Shanghai, China during a rare, highly technological heart surgery!)

So, our sweet little firecracker has a GREAT medical and developmental report card so far.  The IAC has passed her with flying colors (well, except for that pesky PARASITE that she's being treated for), and now her pediatric cardiologist has given her the green light.  Thursday, we will visit with our local ENT to peek into those ears and take a look at those tonsils, and later in September, we'll get her eyes checked.... so we're hoping for a great report from those folks as well.

Thank you so much to ALL of you who continue to pray for Mary.

Me and my shadow.

Well.  My two precious boys are back in school.  I love them OH so dearly and on Monday, for the first time EVER, I dropped them off at school and DROVE OFF.  I spent a LONG time giving them instructions on what to do if they needed something or had an emergency since I'm not there. They both looked so GROWN walking into high school and middle school.  Have I mentioned that I love them OH SO MUCH?

Max is working so hard at tackle football and Jack is giddy that the All-State music has been posted and youth orchestra is getting cranked up.  Max has mastered the combination on Locker #647 and Jack has me signed up for a whole bunch of text notifications from his different classes (like biology and geometry!!!).   They're settling into their new environments and seem to be very happy so far.  GREAT start, I'd say.

And what am I doing?  CARPOOL.

 It was WEIRD going through carpool Monday afternoon and seeing the elementary people dismissing kids and NOT being part of it.  I kept thinking that if I looked hard enough, I would see myself over there doing my thing.... you know... like in Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox saw himself but didn't see himself seeing himself??  Well, I wasn't there.  Cause I'm smack dab in the middle of my YEAR OFF.

Sorta.

Cause with a one year old like this one over here (points to the kid tugging at her socks and pointing at the laundry room and squealing.... for the dozenth time today), there ain't no time OFF.  

She.  Is.  Busy.

That's what I told them Wednesday at the International Adoption Clinic.  We had our second visit with them to go over the lab results and follow up with a developmental specialist and, when they asked if I had any questions, I just pointed at her and said LOOK.  Do you see it?  Watch her feet.  She NEVER stops moving her feet.  I explained how this becomes PAINFULLY clear when there are SQUEAKERS in her squeaky shoes, but that I had REMOVED said squeakers when we were standing in the UNBEARABLY long line at the Comcast office while trying to get a new remote.  I told them all that.... and then I pointed at her and, again, said LOOK.  (I might have been sweating and sitting on the floor with the contents of her backpack and my purse strewn all over the place with a look of exhaustion on my face and a plea in my voice).  The boys were NOT like this.  They were content.  They sat still.  Not this one.  Again.  B.U.S.Y.  And I'm trying to keep up, but.... OHMYGOSH.

That developmental specialist person just smiled and said, "Yes.  Typical orphanage behavior."  

And then I sat in that tiny room at the IAC and remembered.... cause sometimes I forget.... that this person used to live in an orphanage.  Like... TWO MONTHS AGO.  She spent LOTS of time in a crib or walker or penned-in area.  And now, she is free to explore and learn and play and hug and laugh and dance and dig through boxes of clothes and help unload the plastic stuff from the dishwasher and splash in the tub and pull all the diapers out of her bag and run from the dog and swing and ride in a stroller and do art at church and eat snow cones and empty her backpack and eat the tips off her crayons and empty an entire roll of toilet paper and throw away anything and everything because she's obsessed with trash and try on other people's shoes and fall down because the shoes are too big and work her puzzles and throw cheerios all over the back seat and walk around with her brother's underwear on her head and blow kisses at people and empty the tupperware cabinet and eat the crocheted blanket and get frustrated when yarn gets on her tongue and rock her babies and load up her purse with treasures and.....  EVERYTHING is new to her.  And she can't take it in fast enough.

Her motor runs on HIGH until she falls ASLEEP... and sometimes, even when she's asleep, she's busy (thus my sleeping with one eye open because I'm afraid she's gonna break my face with her feet at night.)

So, we just completed our first week together.... just the two of us at home during the day.  By Wednesday, I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn't getting ANYTHING done.  I mean, I thought I'd do projects around the house and accomplish tons of stuff, but that wasn't happening and it was bothering me.  Plus, there's the fact that SHE IS SO BUSY.  Then, this afternoon as she was napping, I was sitting in the chair beside her bed, and the Lord explained it to me:  "You're here for HER. Enjoy."  I did not take a year off from school to get projects done or have a spotless house or start new hobbies.  I took the year off to introduce this darling thing to family life and help my family merge into this new normal.  That's my project.... and this week, I've been missing the point.

So, it's okay if there are dirty dishes in my sink.  It's okay if my laundry room has some piles.  It's okay if I don't cut out any squares for that quilt that I'll probably never get around to making.  It's okay if I never learn to thread that sewing machine that I stole from my mother.  It's okay if I never finish crocheting that pink blanket. It's okay if I never paint that piece of furniture.  It's great if I CAN do all those things, but it's okay if I don't.  It.  Is.  Okay.

Here is my project:

At the beginning of this week, if you'd asked me if we were being productive, I'd have said NO..... but NOW that the Lord has set me straight, I'd say we are FULL of accomplishments.

Here's a glimpse of how we're spending our time:

** We go walking.  Every morning after we drop the boys off at school, we go to the University Mall and walk.  We get there around 8:05 and do lap after lap inside that place...... just me, Mary, and all the elderly of Tuscaloosa.  Mary, of course, has already become popular.  The women just ooh and ahh over her and  we have begun bringing a BAGGIE to collect all the peppermints and gum that the grandpas always pull from their pockets.  We look at the water, find the Mickey Mouse display at the Hallmark shop, and watch them make cookies at the cookie shop.  It's a fun time.

** We practice sign language. The developmental specialist lady at the IAC has encouraged us to start SIGNING with Mary to help decrease some of the "pointing and squealing" that she's doing and encourage more meaningful communication (hopefully leading to some WORDS).  The old-fashioned mom within thought, "WHAT?  Just TALK already....", but ONE TIME, I taught her the sign for "more"..... But I didn't really follow through.... until I noticed the next day that she was USING the sign to tell me she wanted more rice!  I just about lost it!  No squealing.... no pointing.... just that little SIGN!  So, now we know MORE and PLEASE and CUP..... we'll work on others later..... but it is a SIGHT to see her do those signs!!  (Of course, she will point to something that she KNOWS isn't hers (like her brother's phone) and then sign PLEASE.... cutest thing ever, but not working, sister.  You're still not getting that phone.)

**  We play with TOYS.  ALL DAY.  When that same developmental lady met with us, she brought some toys for Mary.  She wanted to watch her play and assess any orphanage delay that might be an issue.  First toy:  shape sorter.  After the nice lady dumped the shapes on the floor, she looked to me and started explaining some of the techniques for play that might benefit Mary.  Then, she said, "Now let's practice some of that and help her sort the shapes."  Well, when we looked down, the shapes were sorted and Mary had moved on to the next toy in the bucket:  the stacking cups.  She took them apart, stacked them back, then turned them upside down and made a tower out of them.  The lady just sat there watching..... and saying, "I was just going to show her how to do that."  Yes.  Well.  Next toy, please.  Then, she pulled out a shape puzzle.  She recommended that we do just one shape at a time, but I politely said, "Well, at home, we just dump them all out and go from there...." So, we did..... and Mary worked that puzzle like a champ.  As the lady smiled and scribbled notes, Mary grew tired of that toy bucket and moved on back to her backpack.  As the specialist and I talked, Mary proceeded to find an emery board in the pocket of her backpack that I had stashed in there and began to file her nails.  Then, she sat in my lap and filed mine.  I was unimpressed.... we've done this dozens of times.... but apparently, the specialist was tickled by this.  "Did I just watch her give herself, and then YOU, and manicure?"  Well, yes.  Orphanage delay?  Uh.  No.  (Praising God for THIS one, I tell you!)

** We dress up.  Girlfriend LOVES some shoes and bags and hats and sweaters and tutus.  She'll usually dig through the clean laundry basket and try to put on its contents all at one time.  Tutu on?  Check.  Hat with yellow bow?  Check.  Shoes that don't quite fit just yet?  Check.  Brother's underwear on our head?  Check.  Dish towel worn like a cape?  Check.  She's a very snazzy dresser.

( by the time I caught up with her here, the tutu was on and she was working on the shoes)

( look carefully..... those are her brother's underwear draped on her back like a cape.... she'd been wearing them for SEVERAL minutes on her head, but after I got over my hysterical laughter and almost FELL DOWN trying to find my camera, she'd slipped it off her head and was wearing a more appropriate look.... the underwear WRAP...)

(she was SO proud of this look....notice the shoes on the wrong feet... it's an issue.)

** We sing and dance.  Raffi is our guy.... and the little girl knows ALL the motions to the songs.  Mostly, she does them when she THINKS I'm not looking, but she's got it:  twinkle stars, itsy bitsy spiders, shaking the sillies out, and ducks that go "over the hills and far away."  It's the best thing I've ever seen in the world.  I try frequently to get video of these moves.... especially when Raffi does a "humongous, NOISY stretch" and Mary does it, too..... but she's on to me.  No video, Mom.  Just sit down and stretch with me!  Okay, baby girl.


** We do paperwork.  Every day involves a session of Mary sitting at the table with all her "supplies" doing her "paperwork."  There are pens and pencils, notebooks, and sticky notes.  There are envelopes and stickers and legal pads.  The girl has stuff to do.  And, just like her Mom, she LOVES office supplies.  Here we are reading the mail...(SHOES ON THE WRONG FEET.  It's an issue.)..

** We do other stuff, too..... like go to church..... (sat at that table in her class and listened to the story like she'd done it all her life.....)

...... and help Mom in the bathroom......

All in all, I'd say this is TIME WELL SPENT.

Although I feel a bit out of sorts not going to school each day, I KNOW I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be for this season of my life.  It's SO nice to have a "one track mind".... not feeling pulled in a hundred directions.  Am I tired?  YES. (Did you read the part about how BUSY she is???), but I'm having such a good time.

A letter of apology.

Dear Rock Quarry Middle School People who Worked at Schedule Pickup,
   We had a great time picking up Max's schedule today.  My Mom kept saying how organized and smooth everything was and that she really appreciates things that are so streamlined.  Max was really excited, too, when he got in the car.  He kept talking about how fun it was and how middle school is going to be awesome.  I had a great time, too.... so I was surprised when Mom turned to me and told me that I should apologize.  What?  I thought things had gone so well!  What do you mean apologize?  What for?  Honestly, I couldn't think of ONE thing that I should apologize for.  So, Mom made a list.

#1.  I'm sorry I left a whole bunch of Gerber Blueberry-flavored Puffs all over your floor.
     I like these Puffs.  A lot.  And when we go places in public, I sometimes get a little overwhelmed, so it's nice to have a familiar, yummy snack to keep me happy.  But you see, there was this GREAT BIG gymnasium where the schedule pickup was happening, and Mom made the unfortunate choice NOT to bring in my stroller, so I had the chance to run around that great big gymnasium.  And when I run with my Puff container, sometimes I wave my hands around and some of the Puffs sorta fall out.  All over the place.  So, there might be a few in that gym.  And the hallway.  And the multi-purpose room.  And maybe the lunchroom.  But that's it.  Cause I didn't go anywhere else.  Sorry about that.

#2.  I'm sorry I put Rock Quarry Middle School Jaguar PawPrint stickers on stuff.
   In addition to Gerber blueberry-flavored Puffs, I also LOVE stickers.  And I really appreciate the fact that you had those round Jaguar Pawprint stickers out for me to play with.  My Mom was really happy that those stickers were keeping me busy while she wrote out a bunch of checks, but then she noticed that I'd figured out how to unpeel the backings off and that I was sticking them places.  But hey... at least I didn't stick them on that big screen TV you had in there.  Cause I REALLY wanted to do THAT, but Mom caught me just in time.  But there might be a whole bunch of those stickers stuck to other things in other places.  Sorry about that, too.

#3.  I'm sorry that I stole a bunch of your pens and put them in my bag.
   I thought they were free.  Mom said they were NOT.  Sorry.

#4:  To the lady standing in front of us in the Locker/Agenda line:  I'm sorry that I kept throwing my pink hippo at your head.
   I don't even really know why I'm apologizing for this.  I thought that was really fun.  And for heaven's sake, it's not like I was HURTING her or anything.  That hippo is totally soft.  She looked a little grumpy, but I think that's just how she is..... (Mom says she hopes that lady doesn't read the blog....)

#5.  I'm sorry I ripped up a FEW of those papers on the welcome table.
   I love to rip paper.  You all had a LOT of paper there today.  It was great.  I had a GREAT time ripping stuff up.  Again, Mom was super busy, but I totally didn't think she'd mind cause I do it all the time at home.  It was super fun.  Actually, I'm not even that sorry I did it.

#6.  I'm sorry I told you I wasn't sorry about ripping the paper.  I am sorry.
   (Good grief, Mom..... happy now?)

#7.  I'm sorry that I got into somebody else's school supplies and "reorganized" them.
   I like taking things in and out of bags and, well, that stuff was just SITTING there.  So I rearranged it a little.  It wasn't a big deal.  But if you're looking for a roll of paper towels or a pack of Expo markers, call me.  I might know where they are.

And, in full confession, there's a whole lotta other stuff I did there today that Mom doesn't even know about.  So, I'm sorry for all that, too.

I'm excited to grow up and come to your school some day.  I promise to be on my best behavior.

Sincerely,
Mary Powell
(who is usually kept under Mom's careful control.... except at schedule pickups)

Studying our girl.

In my world, August means one thing:  SCHOOL IS GONNA START SOON.  Usually at this time, I'm happily preparing my classroom, writing my welcome letter, thinking through those first days, writing lesson plans, and anticipating who will be in my class.  But NOT THIS YEAR.  For the first time in SEVENTEEN years, I'm not getting ready for the first day of school.  My world has shifted.

I was telling someone yesterday how funny and interesting it is to think about how different my days are now.  Normally, I take time during the summer to read professional literature ("teacher books") about new writing techniques, number talks, or reading engagement.  Now, I'm reading (and re-reading) books like Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child or The Connected Child (where is that chapter on SLEEP?  I KNOW I've read it!) and any article about bonding and attachment by Karen Purvis that I can get my hands on.  BUT.... even though I'm not learning new things to aid me professionally, there's still a LOT of STUDYING and LEARNING going on over here.

I am studying my new baby girl.  

We've been home a month now and I've begun a new work.... getting to know this little one that has only been in my world since June 24.  

It's important to study your children.  And usually, this process is gradual and you learn a little bit every day..... and that's true for my study of Mary, too..... but I feel like I'm taking the CRASH course on Mary Jewel Powell.  Cause for the first 20 months of her life, she did stuff that I don't know about.  She saw things and met people and played and experienced things.... and I don't know about ANY of it.  I have a few paragraphs on a piece of paper that tell me a bit about her medical history, facts about her finding.... and maybe two or three lines that describe her personality..... and that's it.  The rest, I'm trying to piece together.

As we begin to venture out into the world and encounter folks here and there, I'm asked lots of questions about her likes or past.... you know.... her DETAILS.  And most of the time, my answer is, "Huh.  I don't know."  

Was she saying any words before we met her?  I don't know.

Did she play with lots of toys?  I don't know.

Did she have a nanny that was her favorite?  I don't know.

Did she have friends?  I don't know.

Has she ever played on a playground?  I don't know.

Has she ever seen a dog before?  I don't know.

Were her immunizations correctly given?  I don't know.

How did she like to go to sleep?  I don't know.

Does she like blankets?  I don't know.

How does she behave when she has fever?  I don't know.

And on and on and on and on..... I have HUNDREDS of questions like these in my brain.... and I simply Do. Not. Know.

Seems weird to say that about your own child... I DON'T KNOW.... add that to the list of how parenting THIS child is different than parenting my other two children.

All of this, I know about the boys.  I know EVERYTHING.  I know that Jack doesn't do ANY sort of condiment.  I know that Max can never have too many blankets on his bed.  I know that Jack is HIGHLY allergic to bug bites and codeine.  I know that Max is very particular about his school work.  I know that Jack is an early riser. I know that Max's cheeks turn bright red when he's sick.  I know about every illness, every trip, every friend, every book they've read, every like, every dislike, things that bother them, fears and talents..... I know them.

But with Mary.... notsomuch.

So, I study her.  

How do I do this and what am I learning?  I am SO glad you asked!

Let me explain........ and, just for fun, I'll add PICTURES as I go!  So, get out your newly sharpened pencils and your brand new spiral notebook and let's go to Mary School!!

#1:  PLAY

We play A LOT.  If you need me at any given moment in the day, I am sitting in the floor somewhere in my house with a short little black-haired girl and we are PLAYING.  In the living room, we play with puzzles and dolls and books.  In the kitchen we play with our tea set and sweep noodles off the floor.  In the foyer we sit on the BOTTOM STEP ONLY (and she TOTALLY understands that) and look out the front door and talk about the trees and birds.  In the bathroom, we play with our bath toys and pull out/ put back in kleenexes from the RED kleenex box (that's the one she knows is hers....)  And while we play, I watch her.  This kid knows how to work a toy.  So, I'm learning that somewhere in her short little life, there MUST have been toys.  She knows just what to do when you hand her a baby doll (of course she ALSO rolls up a dish towel and rocks it, too), she rolls that Fisher Price bus around the living room with her Disney Princesses in it, and she can master a puzzle in no time.  She understands what to do with a ball, can turn the pages of a book correctly, and don't even get me STARTED about how brilliant she is with stacking cups.  She's a player.  I've learned that.

Max got new shoes for school.  And Mary?  Well, she got a new box for her stuff.  She puts her stuff in.... takes her stuff out..... found the box in the hallway all by herself and proceeded to claim it as her own.  

So, we helped her claim it.  Girl's gotta mark her territory, you know.  That way, everyone knows that those Disney princesses, the tea set, and that green striped dish towel are MARY'S treasures... and no one else's.  (This box has kept us BUSY for MINUTES.....(and that's saying something in the world of this VERY BUSY TODDLER.)

"Awwww...... looooove on the dish towel..... how sweet....."  Yes.  I said those words.  And look what she does now..... Hey.  It's all about teaching gentleness, people.  I'm tired of getting hit upside the head with those darn toys.  Be GENTLE.... looooove on the dish towel...... don't hit Mama with it..... See?  We ARE learning!

She is BRILLIANT.  This puzzle thingie ain't got NOTHING on her.  And would you LOOK at the concentration on that face and how she uses BOTH hands to steady the piece so she can get it on the thingie??  Focus.  Determination.  Hand/Eye coordination.  My girl's got it.  Learned that about her from this puzzle thingie.

She's going to be an early reader. Do you see her studying this card?  She reads ALL the cards y'all send, by the way.  See them all piled up next to her?  When we get some from the mail or with a gift, she DEMANDS (lots of pointing, lots of grunting at the chair....that's how she says, "I'd like to sit up there and read my mail, please.") to sit at the table in her booster seat and read the cards.  Loves it.  

And this tea set.... OH... this tea set.  It came in a big basket of bath goodies that the 6th and 7th grade girls gave her last Sunday.  She has loved EVERYTHING about that basket, but this tea set was one of the first things she discovered.  Once that thing came out of the box, she knew just what to do..... started pouring up tea and giving it out to people.  And you MUST take a drink or she'll point and grunt you to death.  DRINK THE TEA.  

And now, days after our first tea party, we've had HUNDREDS.  She prefers that I pour the tea now..... and, we noticed yesterday, she has begun to CHOKE on the INVISIBLE tea.  She'll take a sip (again, of the INVISIBLE tea) and then cough and sputter like she's choked.  It is HILARIOUS.  She did this for the first time in the car on the way to Max's football practice and I swear, I almost had a wreck. 

Here's a video of the tea drinking..... (no choking here....) but watch her MOUTH.  I love her.

#2:  International Adoption Clinic
Another way we are studying our girl is getting her checked out by the medical professionals.  Dr. Laubenthal has already taken good care of her ear infections and will continue her care in the future, but, this week, we took her to the International Adoption Clinic at Children's Hospital.  It is FABULOUS to have such an awesome resource just minutes down the road.  These folks are experts on what to expect and look for in internationally adopted children.  Again, this is WAY different than your usual parenting experience (since 20 months of Mary's 21 month life were spent in an institution), and they are a WEALTH of information for us.  At this appointment, we spoke AT LENGTH with a "family specialist" who focused on things like sleep issues (we are now keeping a sleep log to track those night terror moments), eating issues, bonding, attachment, personality, and history.  She was so knowledgeable and it seemed that she knew what my questions were before I even asked them.  She gave us some recommendations for sleep and let us know areas where we were "doing it right" or where we could tweak things a little.  For example:  Mary eats.  A LOT.  I sometimes worry that she's going to explode, but I was reassured that this is totally normal and, for now, to allow her to eat until satisfied.  It was a relief to know that so much of our research and homework prior to the adoption had helped us to know how to handle various issues and that, HOORAY, we are handling most of it very appropriately.

Also included in our visit was a great conversation with Dr. Kiser, one of the doctors there.  The main thing that we talked with her about was language development.  Mary seems to have LOTS of fluid on her ears that won't quite go away.  It isn't infected, but it's there, and this may be causing some of the language delay that we had been noticing.  This is one of the areas that I'm really focused on right now:  Is Mary not talking or at least mimicking words because she's still adapting to her new environment?  Is the fluid on her ears causing the delay? Or is she just a quiet kid (I've kinda ruled this one out, but.....)  Again.  I DON'T KNOW.  So, we'll continue to study that one.....

At this visit, I became KEENLY aware of the mystery that Mary's first 20 months are to me.  The doctor inferred from her file that she'd been hospitalized TWICE, not ONCE as I had thought.... it made me sad to think that she'd endured TWO hospital stays (one for open heart surgery) and I wasn't there.  The doctor also confirmed my suspicions that the reason Mary has seemed so happy with us from day ONE is because she may have never formed an attachment with anyone.... ever.  She's probably never had that ONE favorite nanny that stopped by her bed every morning.  She's never had that one special lady that came to the orphanage on Tuesdays and brought her suckers.  She's never had that ONE person that she considered HERS.  So, basically, she'd be happy with ANYONE.  Cause that's how she is:  HAPPY.  But it makes me sad, too.... sad that she's never had a one special someone reserved JUST for HER.  Well, that's all changed now, sweet girl..... I VOLUNTEER!  I'll be your someone!!! And I'm so thankful..... (And we'll cocoon until the cows come home so you'll KNOW who your people are..... and I promise not to complain when I go stir crazy in this house.... well, maybe not PROMISE, but I'll try really hard....)

Anyhoo.....

Other highlights of our IAC visit included NINE vials of blood drawn (oh, that was a fun one), gathering a sample from her DIAPER (again, fun times), and a good listen to her heart.

Our final results from the IAC are:
1) testing that diaper sample (and two more gathered at home....fun....) for parasites
2) using that bloodwork to test for HIV and Hep B
3) testing bloodwork to make sure that her immunization records are correct and to see what immunizations are still needed (see?  with the boys, I KNOW what shots they've had.... with Mary... I know what was written down, but wasn't there to be SURE it was done....)
4) referral to a cardiologist at Children's Hospital to check out her heart defect (hoping that the repair done in China was done well and that this will be a one time visit!!!)
5) track sleep through sleep log
6) make appointment with local ENT after Labor Day to watch the fluid on those ears

Everything I wanted to accomplish at the IAC, we accomplished.  Loooong morning, but SO worth it!

A few snippets of our visit:

Uh.  What's this bracelet thing for?  I know who I am.....

Been reading about these people!  Felt like I was meeting rock stars!  So thankful for this resource!

We're here!  

Dad:  Now Mary, you've got to be a sweet girl in here.

Mary:  Well, Dad, what exactly do you mean by that?

Playing a little, eating a little.... this place is GREAT!

I just love that pointy finger.  She has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a kid.  Future violinist, Jack says.

What?  They want to draw BLOOD from me?  You have GOT to be kidding.....

Uh.  No pictures from the blood draw.  But four adults and one little Asian girl were all SWEATING and CRYING when it was over.

#3:  WATCH, CUDDLE, TALK, AND LOVE
I just watch her.  All the time, I sit in the floor and watch her.  Or I cook dinner and watch her.  Or I sit in the chair by the bed and watch her.  She is something else.  And she's such a mystery to me.  I look at her and say, "What did you DO for those 20 months before I knew you?  Did you play?  Were you happy?  Did you go anywhere?"  She just looks at me and smiles...... and she'll never be able to answer that question...... and neither will I.

So, we're making up for lost time.  She's in the stage where she wants me to sit beside her ALL the time, and I'm happy to oblige.  When she's REALLY into something, she wants to sit in my lap so I can help her work through it.  Fine by me.

When she sits on that bottom step, she points and grunts (loudly) to the spot beside her... SIT DOWN, MOM!  Okay.  Fine by me.

She LOVES to be squeezed really tight and is getting to be more comfortable with cuddles and hugs.  Fine by me.

She babbles and talks to us in grunts.... and is "jargoning" constantly.... will not hush up.... just doesn't say real words (but knows exactly what she means.....) She is never quiet.... Fine by me.  I can't WAIT to have real conversations with her!

What else?

OH!  Mary went to CHURCH for the first time last Sunday.  Joe and I both stayed with her in her class and she did REALLY well playing with the other kids.  We'll plan on one of us being with her for quite a while as she adapts to yet another new environment..... But what a joy to introduce her to our church family!  Oh, how they've prayed for you, sweet girl!

See me in my new pretty dress?

And the official "church clothes" shot..... love these three people.  MUCH.

And so.... here we are..... the first of August..... school supplies are out.... boys are grasping at their last few hours of freedom....we're talking about high school schedule pickup and middle school lockers..... and we continue to study our girl.   Totally a new normal for me, but I can't think of another thing I'd rather be doing.