Jesus loves me, this I know.

I have a tricky back.  A couple of years ago, I made a wrong move and tweaked some muscles back there and now, from time to time, I have trouble.  One episode landed me in doctor-commanded physical therapy.  Eighteen sessions of physical therapy.... on my back.

I had never done physical therapy before.  But, I thought..... THIS IS GREAT!  Physical therapy on your BACK is gonna be like 18 doctor-recommended MASSAGES.  Oh, this will be SO relaxing and wonderful.  Yes.... PHYSICAL THERAPY.  Bring.  It.  ON.

Uh.  No.

Physical therapy on your back is NOT like a massage.  It is not relaxing and wonderful.  It hurts.  A LOT.  And it is work.

I do not like the physical therapy.

I have found that this "cocooning" phase is a lot like physical therapy.  After all my research, conversations with our social worker, books on parenting an internationally adopted child, seminars with famous doctors and adoption specialists, and talks with fellow adoptive parents, I was READY for the cocoon.  It is ABSOLUTELY what is best for the newly adopted child and, like I've said before, the homebody in me was STOKED.  This cocooning period, I foolishly thought, will be SO relaxing and wonderful.  I had visions of Mary playing quietly on her pallet while I cooked delicious meals for my family and maintained my spotless home.  Kindof a "Leave it to Beaver" meets international adoption.  I was SO ready.

Uh.  No.

Cocooning is NOT like "Leave it to Beaver."  It is not relaxing.  It is kinda wonderful.... but it hurts.  And it is work.

We've had a rough couple of days.  And while I would LOVE to call in every grandparent or stranger off the street to take care of Miss Thang while I take a nap, I cocoon on..... but it ain't easy.....

There are many reasons why this might be:
1.  Mary is one year old.  This is NOT my first rodeo as a parent.... I've parented two toddlers before.  And it's not easy.  I remember now.
2.  Mary has realized that she's stuck with us.  This was not a vacation.  It is forever.  And she is struggling.
3.  TEETHING.  It is of the devil.  Again, I remember now.  It hurts and makes the little one mad at everybody.
4.  Too much change.  Although we've done well staying close to home and limiting contact with the outside world, there is STILL a lot of newness that Lil Miss is encountering.  In my efforts to help her try new things, I may have gone too far.  Example:  Spaghetti.  It's a NO.  "Lady, we do not have "the spaghetti" where I come from.  Do not try that again.  Get the rice back out."
5.  Lack of sleep..... due to NIGHT TERRORS.  Google this.  They are real.  They are awful.  And we are having them.  Bless my precious girl's heart.

So.  It's been difficult.  Sweet Joe even worked from home today because, I think, he wanted to be sure I didn't go completely loco.

Difficult.  Indeed.

But just about the time when I start to get discouraged.... the Lord draws me near.

Tonight, Joe took Max to football practice.  Jack was on his computer and Mary and I were DONE.  Done with this day and, honestly, done with each other.

So, I gave her the quickest bath EVER (I'm pretty sure all the spots at least got wet) and started putting her to bed.  But she wasn't having it..... "I'm gonna let you hold me, lady, but if you try to sit down again, we're gonna have issues.  STAND UP."

I was already exhausted..... and this wasn't helping.

So, Mary and I both agreed on a semi-laying down position on the bed..... propped up on LOTS of pillows right next to me, Mary drifted off to sleep..... two fingers in her mouth, as usual.... but this time, instead of tugging at her ears with the other hand, she fell asleep with a death grip on two of my fingers.  She fell asleep HOLDING MY HAND.

I don't know if she's ever fallen asleep holding anyone's hand before.  I seriously doubt it.  What an HONOR to be able to be there for her.  What a MIRACLE that, for maybe the first time ever, part of those self-soothing behaviors weren't needed....because instead, she held her Mom's hand as she slept.

GOOD GRIEF!!!  What a blessing.

And then, lest I begin to bask in that moment too long.... a night terror struck.  These are bad.  Blood curdling screams out of NOWHERE..... and very, very hard to soothe.  She's started having them several times a night and, most of the time, just has to work herself out of them.  So, while she began to cry and scream, I began to sing..... (that's all I know to do in these moments.... you feel kinda helpless)....

So, I began.... Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.....

She worked herself out of it pretty quickly, but I kept singing.... and then realized.... I wasn't really singing to HER anymore.... I was singing it to myself......

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
THEY ARE WEAK.... but HE IS STRONG.

I've felt VERY weak these last couple of days.  But HE IS STRONG.  And just exactly when I need Him near..... He is.... and He lets me feel His presence VERY strongly.....

Then, the next verse.....

Jesus loves me
He will stay
Close beside me all the way.....

As I parent this little toddler who has been through so much..... He will stay
As she cries out in the night over and over and over again.... He will stay
As I worry about sicknesses and fever..... He will stay
As she slings spaghetti noodles at me.... He will stay

I don't know what our new normal is going to look like.
I don't know if I'm doing this cocooning thing right.
I don't know if Mary will have questions someday that I can't answer.
I don't know what the future holds for my family.

But Jesus loves me.  THIS I know.