What a journey.

The adoption process is such a journey.  I haven't updated the blog since October, but  MUCH has happened in our world since then.  I hesitated to even tell this part of the story, because I want folks to know the WONDERFUL side of adoption and not be scared by the hard parts..... but then, that wouldn't be a complete picture.  The following parts of our journey were previously written, but I never posted them..... until now.  I have found MUCH encouragement from reading the stories (even the hard parts) of others.... I hope this will be an encouragement for those going through the valley of the process.

WARNING:  This is long.  I mean it.  LONG.

And NOTE:  I need you to visualize something before you read ahead.  Picture a child in a swimming pool, clinging desperately to the SIDE of the pool.  She is THRILLED to actually be in the pool swimming....been waiting for it and thinking about it for a long time and is SO totally happy to be IN THE POOL..... but is not QUITE ready to let go of the side.  Isn't ready to be REALLY brave and let go......

That's me.  I'm in the adoption pool (and THRILLED to be there), but sometimes, I don't feel very brave.

You with me here?  K.  Now read on.....

Date Written:  January 5 

WARNING:  This first part is very hard to share.  I prefer joy and, at this point in the journey, joy was eluding me.  But, sometimes, that's the way God draws me near...... so, here we go.....

Each month, China releases what's called a "shared list."  This is an updated listing of all children in China who are paperwork ready and waiting to be adopted.  Once the list comes out (usually the last week of the month), agencies work feverishly to "lock" files for waiting families. We received word from our agency that the November shared list would be coming out on Tuesday, November 27 in China..... that would be Monday night, November 26 to us.  Although I was fairly certain we wouldn't receive a call that night (we'd only been logged in for one month), Joe felt strongly that we might hear from Karla (our social worker extraordinaire), so he sent out a "please pray for us" notice to all his praying peeps.  Thus began a very long couple of days....

That Monday night began with the usual "sit in the parking lot at Moody Music Building while Jack has his violin lesson and then rehearsal with the Tuscaloosa Youth Orchestra."  Once home and after dinner and homework, I hopped onto my various Facebook adoption groups.  They were LIT UP.  Everyone was talking about the shared list coming out that night, had anyone received a call, etc.  I started getting a little antsy, but still did not think we'd get a call that night.  The boys went to bed around 9:00 and I started working on some Christmas projects.  At 9:30,  Karla sent us an email...."Call me as soon as you can."

Oh.  My.  Gosh.
THIS IS IT!

I was a wreck.  We called her and she told us that she had a file for us if we wanted to look at it.  She started reading off facts:  name, age, birthdate, location, special need, etc.  I have NO IDEA what she said..... Joe was the stable one.  (This will be a theme throughout this journey - Joe:  stable.  Mikki:  a basket case.)  Love him.

We said that we would definitely love to see the file.  Karla emailed it to us within minutes.
Before opening the email, Joe and I prayed together that we would have clarity and wisdom as we reviewed the file and that we would make the right decision as to whether or not this was our daughter.

When you receive a file from the shared list, you have only 72 hours to submit a "Letter of Intent" to accept the referral.  Just so you know, 72 hours is NOT a long time.  So, that night, we stayed up WAY past our bedtimes reviewing her file, talking with Karla on the phone, etc.  We emailed the file to the specialists at the International Adoption Clinic at UAB and our local doctor.  Although we understood most of what the medical special needs were, there were still a few unknowns that we did not anticipate. Then, we tried to sleep.  At this point, we were excited, but I think I was still in a state of SHOCK.  I so WANTED this precious face looking at me through those three pictures to be my daughter, but I wasn't sure..... It was hard.

The next day (Tuesday), we waited on the news from the file review from the IAC.  Joe went on to work and I went to school and did fairly well.  I mentioned to my principal and a fellow adoptive mom at school that we'd received a referral, but that we were having the file reviewed.  I made it through the day and then took the boys back to Moody for my usual Tuesday round of "sit in the Moody Music Building parking lot while Jack has guitar and Max has piano."  I was feeling a bit more confident that this might be the one, but was still feeling worried and confused.  I wasn't sure WHY I felt worried and confused, but I did.....

Around 6:15, our phones rang.  Dr. Jennifer Chambers from the IAC was calling to give us her thoughts about the file review.  Joe was actually at the public library with Max and I was cooking pancakes at home, so we were on a three-way conference call hearing some of the most difficult news of our lives.  ( I didn't realize the enormity of those moments at the time, but now, I get it. Again:  HARD.)

As I flipped my blueberry pancakes, I listened to that doctor explain how the file was actually more severe than it initially seemed.  She said a lot of big words, explained about some syndrome, told of what the future would hold, etc.  I stood in that kitchen and cried until Joe drove up.  When he walked in, he seemed calm.  I did not.  At that point, I was PARALYZED with fear.  I am MORE than confident that the Lord has called us to this journey and I KNOW that He will not give us more than we can handle, but I had NEVER been more afraid in my life.

That night, we prayed and prayed.  I cried and cried.  We talked with Karla and told her our concerns.  She was precious and encouraging, but she also reminded us that we needed to decide something by the next day.  We decided to sleep on it.  I did not sleep much.

On Wednesday, we decided to at least begin the day normally.  Joe went to work and I went to school. That did NOT go well.  I was beginning my math lesson when my principal innocently stopped in to check on me.  As soon as I made eye contact with her, I LOST it.  I ran to the bathroom where I spent the next 45 minutes sitting on the floor talking to Joe on the phone.  My sweet co-workers had no IDEA what was going on with me..... I'd only shared the news of the referral with a couple of people.... but they stepped in and sent me home.

But I didn't go home.  At this point, I was crying and praying and decided that the place I wanted to be was at church.  So, I drove to the church.  But I never went inside (I was a wreck and didn't want to see anyone... just needed to be quiet and alone)..... so I just sat in the back of the parking lot, facing the church, and prayed..... The day was a mixture of talking to Joe on the phone, getting encouragement from Karla, and PRAYING.  Joe spoke with our preacher who gave him scripture to look at and encouraged him through prayer.  (Joe later asked me why I went to the church.  My answer:  It relaxes me. That was a sweet assurance during those hard days.) (And I also realized that I spend a LOT of time sitting in parking lots.....) Anyway.....

Later that afternoon, just before I needed to head back to the school to get the boys, I was sitting quietly when I pictured myself collapsing into the Lord's arms and crying, " I can't do it.  I'm scared.  I don't think I can be a good mama to her."  I worried that He would be disappointed or frustrated at my lack of faith (and maybe He is....), but I so VERY STRONGLY felt Him say to me, "It's okay.  Mikki, it's OKAY.  I have 147 million more little ones who need a home...... let's find you one."

I am crying now just thinking about it.  Although I immediately felt a sense of guilt and continued sadness, I felt such a relief.  I called Joe and told him what I was thinking.  He had gone to lunch by himself and had, almost at that exact moment, felt the Lord peacefully telling him that it was okay, too.  His thoughts focused on the fact that, although we have all the LOVE in the world to care for this little girl, we might not have the CAPABILITY to be what is best for her.  So, together, we decided to decline the referral.

This was, without a doubt, the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life.

We called Karla (who was so precious and understanding.... can't say that enough!) and then I went to get the boys.  When Jack got in the car, he noticed that I'd been crying.  He sweetly asked if she was the one.  I shook my head no.  When Max got in the car, I explained to them everything that had happened that day.  They don't often see me cry, so I think they knew how hard this had been for us.  They were quiet and then Jack asked, "So, if you left school, where have you been all day?"
Me:  "Sitting at church."
Jack:  "Doing what?"
Me:  "Praying."
Jack:  "You prayed for 5 hours?"
Me:  "Yes."

In one of our conversations with Karla, she called this a "refining referral."  Refining is never easy.  I still feel a strong sadness when I think about that little girl and will continue to pray that she finds a family that can welcome her without fear or hesitation (feel free to join me in praying for her!)  I also feel a sense of guilt that maybe I didn't trust enough or have enough faith.  And, since those 48 hours in November, I've felt a sense of just "going through the motions".... I have felt extremely distracted and have had to FORCE myself to focus on the people and events going on around me.... school projects, concerts, Christmas activities, etc.  I have had to be very intentional about each day. Refining indeed.

But the Lord loves us.  He has nothing but good things in store for us.  And Mary is waiting.

FAST FORWARD..... Date Written:  FEBRUARY 27

On Monday, February 26, we experienced our FIFTH shared list night.  I do not enjoy shared list night.  I am always a bundle of nerves, jump every time the phone rings, and can't think straight.  We did not get a call Monday night.... I went to bed a bit blue.....

BUT:  On Tuesday morning around 8:30, Joe calls me at school.  Joe NEVER calls while I'm teaching, so I answered my phone.  Joe:  "Karla sent us an email!  We have to call her at 9:00."  That was all the teaching I did that day.  I zipped down to my principal's office, explained to her what was going on, and then we called Karla. She had another file for us to look over.  This particular file was a little outside our listed needs that we felt we could handle, but we were so happy to be POSSIBLY about to see Mary's face that we said to send the file.  All day on Tuesday, we were cautiously optimistic.  After what went down in November, I wasn't allowing myself to fall totally in love just yet and I knew there were still some questions that were unanswered in her file.  Lots of questions, actually.  So, Karla suggested we ask for an update from the orphanage.  This would, of course, come in overnight since they are so many hours ahead, but we planned on talking with Karla again the next morning.

Wednesday morning, Karla checked in with us and said that a VIDEO had been sent to answer some of our questions.  We couldn't believe it!  A video!  Joe was at work and I had decided to take the day off to work through this referral. We were on the phone together and waited an ETERNITY for the video to load, then we watched it together.  And were silent.

Capacity.  Once again, we had to have a real, hard, honest discussion about what our capacity was in this adoption process.  In the adoption POOL, some people dive head-first into the deep end and LOVE IT.  It's scary, but they are brave.  Some venture out into the water with careful consideration, but complete trust.  That's Joe.  Some folks, like me, are happy to be in the pool, but don't feel as brave.  You see me clinging to the side of the pool?  Yep.  Scared.  To.  Death.

I can't say this enough:  I'm THRILLED to be following the Lord's nudging to adopt.  But sometimes, my cautiousness and fear take over.  And that's hard.  But it's human, I guess.  Throughout that day, I COULD NOT get a peace about that file.  I couldn't explain my thinking so that it made ANY sense, I just knew this wasn't our girl.  That day, for the second time, we made the awful, terribly difficult decision to decline the referral.

I am learning lessons.

 I am learning to pray and cling to Scripture WAY more.  You need a verse on adoption, waiting, and, after today, fear?  Come see me and my little Vera Bradley notebook.  Cause I've got then ALL written down.

I'm learning that when God calls you to do something, there is GREAT peace that comes with that obedience.  But, that doesn't mean the journey will be easy.  I am THRILLED that the difficulties that we're encountering on this road are bringing me closer to my Savior.  He's saved me once and he'll keep pulling me out from under the waters of adoption when I feel myself slipping under.

I'm learning that my husband is calm and brave and my children are patient and compassionate.  They have all watched me have some EPIC meltdowns in the last few months and have loved on me and fixed their own meals a few times and done homework without being asked to.....

And I'm learning that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.  They will rise up on wings as eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.

I am claiming those promises.

Because we continue to wait.......