He told me to write it down. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do.
When I retired three years ago, the Lord whispered to me that I was to write. SOMEDAY, I would write SOMETHING - but He made it clear that it wasn’t time yet. I was to focus on raising my kids (even the adult ones), getting our homeschool going strong, and just recovering from being a teacher for 25 years.
He didn’t reveal at the time WHAT I’d write about….. I thought maybe a precious picture book or a devotional book for Moms! Maybe I’d write about motherhood or homeschooling or adoption or travel! I could write funny stories from all those years in the classroom!
Nope. Apparently not.
Apparently I am not going to write about any of those things - not now, anyway.
For now, I’m supposed to write about LEUKEMIA.
A few weeks ago, after months of bloodwork and concern, a bone marrow biopsy confirmed that I have Chronic Myeloid Leukemia.
And in the days following that scary diagnosis, I heard the Lord say, “Write it down.”
WHAT?! No, no, no. Lord, nobody wants to read about leukemia. Nobody wants to hear about the fear, the labs, the tests. Nobody wants to know about the sleepless nights or the side effects of treatment. Nobody wants to learn about the science of DNA and chromosomes and translocations and the CRAP that’s going on in my bone marrow. Reading about LEUKEMIA will not make anybody LOL.
Lord, this will be a HORRIBLE read. I do NOT think this is a good idea.
Then, through the appointments and panic and worry and unknown, He began to show me….
Write about your MRI story (that’s a GREAT one).
Write about the CRAP (my word, not God’s).
Write about PERSPECTIVE.
Write about MANNA.
Write about FINDING THE HELPERS.
Write about THAT WEEKEND - JUST YOU AND GOD.
Through the literature from the Leukemia Society that I have literally devoured and through the myriad of Youtube videos that I’ve watched about my problems, He pointed things out…..
Write about the LESSONS FROM THE MEDICINE.
Write about the STORIES OF OTHERS.
Write about HOPE.
And on and on and on. He's brought us through the last few months and these recent days - and they are all FILLED WITH STORIES.
So. We write.
Many have asked how we are doing and the answer is actually SO FAR SO GOOD. CML is a blood cancer that will be with me for the rest of my life - there’s no cure - and 25 years ago, I would have been given 3-5 years to live. But the Lord has given smart people the ability to do great things - and medical folks discovered a chemotherapy pill that makes CML treatable!
I started my meds four days ago, and so our new normal begins - which so far, has been very normal - maybe a bit slower and quieter, but I am ALL FOR THAT.
Are we scared? A bit.
Are we worried? Yes. Some days more than others.
Are we angry? No.
Are we grateful? Getting there. (And I agree that’s a strange emotion during times like this.)
It’s just a weird time emotionally. It actually occurred to me during church on Sunday that in all these months since I heard the word LEUKEMIA, I’ve never once asked God to heal me. I haven’t asked that He fix things so that I don’t have CML. It just never crossed my mind to pray that way.
What I HAVE very earnestly and continuously prayed for is PROTECTION as I begin treatment and PERSPECTIVE as I learn what things swirling around me REALLY matter. I know He’s all up in this. And I know that He has a reason. I know it.
So, instead of, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, LORD?”, it’s more like “Okay, this is what we’re doing. Well, alrighty then.”
There are things to learn from this. There are people to meet and stories to hear. There are moments that I am supposed to cherish that maybe I would have missed if I weren’t forced to sit still. There are sweet conversations to be had - mostly with Jesus. There are miracles to celebrate and hope to ponder.
And we will write it down.
Because He told me to.
And you’ll be glad to know that Lottie has actually discovered the CURE FOR CANCER during her 3rd grade science lesson. She was learning about cells and vitamins and minerals and there was a picture of a cereal box on the screen - showing her how vitamins and minerals are listed right there on the ingredients list. She came running over - “MOM! I know how you can fix your cancer! You need more IRON - and that’s a mineral - and CEREAL has minerals - MOM!!!! YOU JUST NEED TO EAT MORE CEREAL!!!”
Well, I guess that solves that problem.
